The China study

Starting to read the China Study. Very fascinating! Want so badly to jump into the Vegan lifestyle. It is so difficult not to just go full force. My family would buck and protest. So I have to start 1 day at a time and slowly help them along. They will see it my way eventually!!!!!

Signing out
Lucy`

Man I am so blessed and so very stupid!

I have a great job...hard and sad often but I help people get well and I help them die as gracefully as possible. I have 4 healthy children and a wonderful husband who puts up with my shit! I am crazy and psycho at the same time and yet very blessed! I always have a new idea or something I wanted to try. Many years ago I started to adapt a vegan diet and read all that I could and cooked some great meals. Although everyone felt better, they still pissed and moaned about not having certain foods. Eventually I got busy and tired and I gave up....stupid! My family got heavier and I just got more pain. I have degenerative disc disease and my back is taking a hit. Now I am researching literature, seeing doctor after doctor trying to find someone who will tell me my life is not over and that I am not going to be a cripple. I am really down about it but know no other way to deal except to work out, do Pilate's, and to eat right. I have so much pain. Pain meds only go so far. I need lifetime help. I have done a lot of reading on our bodies inflammatory processes. Mind boggling!!! So you will often read about my struggles, screw-ups, and crazy thoughts.....that is if anyone ever reads this:)

Signing out~
Lucy~

Today was a good day. I actually didn't do anything but just sit around and wash clothes and fold them. I watched the Fighter and layed in my bed. I was tired and sometimes when work is tough and all I have been doing is running....I just stop and don't do anything. Tonight I am up late. Made soup for my favorite patient who has suffered through a month and a half in our unit and has been very sick. He is showing signs of turning a better corner and I think soup is in order. It's one of the things I do well. So finally good night and signing out~

Damnit~

Damn! I am so aggravated! I am not able to tell him shit! My husband that's who. God I love him but he doesn't want to hear about my job. It's not important to him. He is not the one who is going to say good job!! I save people every day. I am a good ICU nurse. I help people die. I help the family accept the bad, painful things no one wants to tell them. I cry with them. In my heart I know he gets this. Do I need everyone to tell me how good I am...no. I know my strengths and weaknesses. I am not good at everything and I do make mistakes. What I hear from him is that I am so funny and cut up at work and don't at home. I am stupid and anal. I walk in the door and all I see is the mess. Dishes, clutter, toys everywhere. It fucks with my head and sends me over the edge and then I am pissed! I am not a pack rat and try with all my might to keep up with everything. Make the little ones pick up. Hell when I get home it is after 8 pm and they are settling down. Then me and all my pompous air strolls in and tries to bark orders and all I get is anger from my husband, crying from the little ones and mumbling from the 22 yr old. So I do it myself and that seems to be the fastest way to get it done. Like I said stupid! I need to follow through. That is a hard one. It took my years to get the kids on a night schedule. I had to get off of night shift because my husband doesn't care what time they go to bed and doesn't care if they are in my bed. I did a good job today. I did. I didn't yell when I got home. I just threw a few things but settled down. My husband is asleep and I am exhausted but the house is somewhat quiet. If my 22 yr old would do the dishes earlier then yes it would be quiet. I wish I knew more about websites and blogging. I have a hard time with the terminology. I guess I am better at nursing. Signing out~

Late night~

Need to go to bed. Have to be at work at o645. Took my first born to dinner for her Birthday. Her boyfriend was quiet, my 22 yr old son wouldn't shut up, my7 yr old was frustrated because he was bored, the 5 yr old was tasting everyone's food. My husband clearly did not want to be there and to top it off the waiter tripped and dumped all his short ribs that landed everywhere. Now he is really not pleased.......salad dear??? As for the birthday girl....she was pleased that she did not have to cook or do dishes. As for me......shit it's way to loud....I am going to sit in the powder room:)

Good afternoon!

Well~ I tried to write something last night but when I take my Ambien it kicks in pretty quickly and then I just see jibberish. So I figured I'd throw down a few thoughts and then write again tonight before meds. I have restless leg syndrome (RLS) and do not sleep well. I just got diagnosed with RLS when one of the docs overheard me talking about how bad my legs hurt all of the time. I had been working out and just did not seem to recover. The Ambien used to help with my RLS but lately it did not seem to do the trick. A big cause of RLS is low ferritin, a protein that carries iron. After lab tests....guess what very low ferritin levels.....so now I take lots of iron! It's helped a lot. Still my head is just full of stuff and I need to drop some of these thoughts somewhere so I guess I'm going to do it here. Like why does my 22yr old put the toilet paper on the roll where it rolls from under and not over. Hell, I tell him all of the time and he still doesn't do it the way I want. I pay for it....put it on the roll with the paper rolling over!!!! Ridiculous, I know, but I never said that what was in my head was very interesting but I will work on it~